Monday, July 22, 2013

Self Reflections of a Control Freak, Yup I'm broken.

  It has been well over a month since I last wrote  typed anything on my blog. I wasn't sure what to tell everyone. This is hard for me that's for sure. While I try to stay as real as possible telling people about me, I try to stay upbeat. I have been failing miserably at that for months now.

     There has been some overwhelming support for me. It's nice to know I was doing well hiding behind my happy face. Turns out not only am I overly sensitive, up tight , have a doomsday outlook on the world, and I am also an uber control freak. I know this sounds nothing like me right?  I think in the back of my head I knew but I am facing reality....sigh!

     Let's take a step back for a second. In a past post, I complained of my provider just kind of breezing through our sessions.  Guess what? She was waiting for me to be medicated.  No, that's not a bad thing and that has been a concern for a lot of people. . I am both ashamed and liberated about this...Controlling , up tight , sensitive, doomsday control freak, remember? Let me just say it had to happen and it has been helping a ton. The first week as my body was learning how to relax I had horrible tension headaches and sore shoulder muscles because I am so uptight my body was always in a tension state (or was).

    Turns out I really do care too much of what people think of me, I have a worthless self image, and I can't control everything in my vicinity. TAKE THAT REALITY!  ( I can see why she waited until I was medicated.)  I am working on it. It is not pleasant though.

  My intake (medication) Dr. told me I can only be on my medication I am taking for 6 months before re evaluating. Here's the control freak self reflection. In my brain I heard there is an approaching deadline. I have 6 months to get my crap together before they take my bubble away and I really , really like my bubble right now. I am wigging out and its 6 months away.  I feel my body tense as I typed this . My shoulders rise to my ears and it hurts to put them down and sit straight. I go into panic mode.  Facing that I do that is a huge step though and I acknowledge that. Maybe in 6 months time I can also acknowledge the bubble is my reality and my reality was a self imposed prison. Here's hoping.
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