Friday, April 5, 2013

Just the plain ugly

This is what my status from Facebook was yesterday..

"Woke up to cranky husband and bad news. This day already sucks! And I have a long shift at work today. Prayers welcome."
Here it is ..Chris did not get picked up for promotion again. I didn't want to display the bad news because one of the soldiers that Chris used to be in charge of now outranks him and I didn't want to make it seem like I was raining on their joy. We have reached panic mode. In September he hits his 15 year mark. The way things have been going for our military this year or next  was/is critical for promotion because we are worried about forced retirement. We are in no way financially ready for that. No excuses I know we are to blame we take responsibility for it but that is the reality.  Ok in and of itself not so bad. Stressful and aggravating yes. We do have some hope ( Thank you Kupsh family.) Most people can deal.....I say most because lately I haven't been so good. Here is where I get down dirty and personal.
       This status caused people to have concerns and call my dad. Who in turn called me to tell me AGAIN to watch what I say on Facebook because people believe the worst has happened. I don't understand that because if the worse has happened Chris, dad , Cynthia , or I know who to call and where in my binders all that information is. I seriously started yelling at my dad. I never yell at my dad. I have a certain fear and awe of my dad that is hard to put into words.  I broke down ( I was at lunch at work) told him what was going on and decided  to write this post so people can understand. So trying not to air too much info here we go.
     I have always struggled with depression. I have always been able to hide it and get over it. I remember being sad for periods at a time as a kid and I know I had lows as a teen. I have not been officially diagnosed but for arguements sake lets take a look at what all the web mds say about this.
To be diagnosed with major depressive disorder, a patient must display five of the following signs or symptoms and must have been experiencing them for at least two weeks:

  • sadness or depression  YES
  • lack of interest or pleasure in almost all activities, especially those that used to be pleasurable YES
  • trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time YES
  • fatigue or lack of energy YES
  • feelings of worthlessness and guilt YES
  • an inability to concentrate or think YES
  • change in appetite  YES
  • agitation or moving in slow motion YES
  • recurrent thoughts of death  NO ( and please understand I really do mean that. I have no thoughts of harm to self or others. Not that this gives Cynthia the warm fuzzies.)
   This usually last 2-4 weeks I "get over it" move on and get on with life.It is a cycle though it is never really gone. There is always one or two of these that linger. This time I seem to have hit a wall and I can not get over it. In anticipation of Cynthia leaving and having a rough time I was smart and got meds. I did ok but in the last month I noticed its affecting every aspect of my life. So I started taking them. They apparently are not helping. I have been feeling unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. In my head I tell myself you know that's not true but it doesn't go way. I literally cry over nothing and have crying fits that last hours. I have had a lot of personal stuff that I will not talk about ,because of events and things that have happened in life ,that I hold a lot internally. I was taught we do not air my dirty laundry. However this has turned into my way of thinking and I don't want to burden anyone with it , or "whine" , or bring anyone down with my petty problems. Other people always have it worse then I do.  That being said I still can not get over it.
    Talking to my dad he made a good point he was only hearing my side of the story. True. So before anyone thinks Chris is beating me or abusing me in anyway or that he is just an a@*hole. He's not. I just feel un appreciated and unnoticed. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I am asking to much  maybe I am unhappy with myself for being how I am..I DON'T KNOW.  So if you want his point of view ask HIM! I can tell you with no amount of uncertainty he doesn't get depression and this is hard for him to see me like this.
    Compound this with having these ( and other) feelings coming from work too. Yes any job has its bad, but when you feel this way and it seems like you can't do anything right at work either. It just snowballs the feelings of worthlessness out of control. I don't live near family and I feel like I have no support. I have reached rock freaking bottom and the edge looks so high I  can't grasp it. I am literally drowning over here.
     Cynthia, you get me in ways I can never understand. I have never really called anyone my best friend till last year. Being military we move you know this. With every move people I considered in  my head to be great friends have forgotten me for lack of a better word. Life goes on I get it. I seriously thought we would go that way too. You never gave up, even if i was lacking in trying because i was tired of trying to hold relationships together that no one wanted to put effort into. A friend once told me I was the element of earth because I try to sustain everyone and only a few try to care for it. You my bestest are truly my gardener, pruning and trying to make me alive and beautiful, even when I am pricking you with thorns. I can not ever repay you except to return the favor and try to become the person you see I can be. Thank you for being my life preserver through this.
   I could go on and on about this , but this has been long enough and I just want it to stop. I am going to seek help. I have no more options, I need it. If the worst happens, you will know someone in my life or I will tell people. I am allowed bad days. There is no need to call dad, if you are concerned call me. I am the one having the bad day not dad. We are all family and friends. This is the cold hard truth and I am sorry to have to tell people in a blog post. I can barely muster the energy to cook for my family let alone call everyone individually and let them know I am hurting. I will get over this maybe not tomorrow maybe not even in a year. But I will.
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